ask the alien 166-180

Welcome to Ask the Alien™. Questions and answers 166-180.

Your burning questions about aliens, UFO’s, extraterrestrial beings, area 51, alien abduction, crop circles, science, religion, global warming, etc., are answered by our local alien representative. It’s the best extraterrestrial advice in the Universe!

Mike Asks:

will laura and I get together?
Not if you don’t get off the Internet and take a shower.

Len Asks:

do you know anything about underwater alien city near jamica
Near Jamaica? That’s not an underwater alien city, that’s Coney Island. I know the circus freaks there may look like aliens, even moreso than the rest of the people of New York, but they’re not.

Jenny Asks:

What are the physical and or political boundaries of Venezuela?
Annoying.

Angel Asks:

Do you celebrate any holidays, or events, different from those here on Earth?
Every day is a holiday for us. One of the most irritating results of having a culture that’s hundreds of thousands of years older than yours is that it has given our greeting card industry all the time it needed to create enough holidays to completely fill our calendar.

Ming-lah Asks:

Good day.my name is ming-lah,i`m from bangladesh.I love to have sex with aliens,or at least I think it was an alien.do you aliens have some kind of penis,or any kind of genitals?I am waiting eagerly for your answer. ps:do you aliens feel the need to use dildos?
Good day, Ming-lah. That’s an interesting name for a Bangladeshi. It sounds much more Chinese. Which is not really all that close to Bangladesh. But you knew that.

Anyway, I’m pleased to hear that you enjoy extracurricular activities with aliens, or at least, that a line like that is all it takes to, shall we say, win your affections?

Many observers have remarked to me, “Hey, that’s some kind of penis you’ve got there.” So I suppose the answer is yes. Granted, I keep it in a jar of formaldehyde, but that’s what they say nonetheless.

As for your final question, we do try to keep things relatively clean around here. Let’s just say that next time someone tries the “Hey baby, I’m an alien” line on you, keep in mind that that’s just not what our medical instruments look like, no matter what they tell you.

Bev Asks:

how do you get rid of nerves?
I usually just take them out with one of those carrot peelers.

That was a “shop” question, wasn’t it?

Yanderi Parra Asks:

What do you see in my future?
A lot of frustrating and fruitless searches for personalized souvenir license plates.

Mullet Asks:

why have you not answered my question? this alien is getting to be too much!!!!
I figured if I delayed long enough, you’d eventually just let him go out of sheer boredom and frustration. I foolishly thought you might have something better to do. Then I remembered that you only have four television channels over there and two of them show snooker. There’s just no boring the British, I suppose.

Jacob Asks:

Does Jerrod have an anal probe?
I don’t know. Is that what he told you it was?

Show me on the doll where the bad Jerrod touched you, Jacob.

Brooke Asks:

Do aliens have toenails?
I do, but they’re not mine. Why, is there an export duty I didn’t pay or something?

Eddie Asks:

how to build a flying saucer
Carefully. I have friends in New Mexico who can tell you a thing or two about the importance of avoiding cut-rate materials, too.

H Asks:

Are there currently any school policies that make special alowwances for or even aknowledge abductees?
I’m not certain, but I think you can get credits for being abducted at Brown. For those of you still in K-12, our doctors are willing to provide notes for those we examine, but most people to keep probings off the record and just live with an unexcused absence.

Josh Asks:

how are aliens born
As you can imagine, there are millions of species in the universe, and therefore millions of ways of being born. My parents had a video of the spore I erupted from. They showed it to me once, but it was gross and I got all embarrassed.

Jeff Asks:

If we bring ower women to Mars becuase of the lower gravity will there breasts grow twice the size and never sage? If so how do I get into the Space program? Thanks JeffyPoo
Jeff, I suspect you’ve figured out by now that the breast of human females are not limited in size by the Earth’s gravitational field. In fact, thanks to breakthroughs in your native medical science, several women are known to have generated gravitational fields of their own.

As for their breasts growing sage, that seems highly doubtful. Breasts have never been fertile ground for herbs or any other kind of vegetation, and Mars is currently even less hospitable than that. More to the point, though, is the question of whether or not they might sag. And while it’s possible that less gravity would lead to less sagging, the effect would likely be obscured by heavy, protective outergarments.

There are still plenty of good reasons to join the space program, however. For instance, a low gravity environment may ease the pain of the carpal tunnel syndrome in your wrist.
Thank you for your insightful questions.

Josh Asks:

I need to know if my teacher is an alien?
Are you referring to the teacher who taught you punctuation!