ask the alien 01-15

Um, duh?

Sure. An alien, an astronaut and a priest walk in to a bar… … …

Ha, ha, ha, ha, that one always cracks me up.

Good question. That will be answered in the inaugural Extra!Extra!terrestrial newsletter. So, if you want to know the answer, you’ll have to sign up for it like everyone else.

We have traveled 50 million light years. Our knowledge is unsurpassed. We hold the answers to anti-gravity, perpetual motion, black holes, and other secrets of the universe. And YOU want to know where our mouth is? Why don’t you go crush another beer can on your head.

Hmm. “Beam me away, Scotty?” Maybe, we should take this one step at a time.

1. Technically we don’t “beam” anything. If you understood the first thing about thermal dynamics, you would see this to be theoretically impossible. We use a method of molecular magnetics that allows us to manipulate the degree of curvature of space-time.

2. You didn’t leave your full name so there was no clear indication of who “me” is. Therefore, we could only assume “me” must have meant “Germany”. In which case, we have contemplated this on many occasions (we think you could guess which ones) but, frankly, we have never been able to acquire a taste for warm bier, Sauerkraut und Oopa musik. Das Leben ist kein endloses Vergnügen.

By the way, not attaching your last name was a useless attempt to hide your identity. We tracked you down via your ISP and are looking forward to visiting you soon.

Yes, we love you. We’re just not IN love with you. Besides, we thought you understood it was only for one night? The abduction contract clearly states… Some probing, a little DNA resequencing and then leave you naked and cold in the middle of a corn field. Apparently the new psychotropic, cortex reversal drugs we’re using aren’t working properly.

Stay put. Don’t talk to anyone (like they’d believe you anyway) and we’ll right there to initiate an emergency memory replacement.

Technology: Imagine every note, sound, chord, voice and tone playing simultaneously in perfect harmony. Next to that, nothing comes even close. Maybe around the year 3000 your great, great, great, grandaughter will have evolved enough to understand.
As for Blazin’ and Busted — What’s the frequency, Kenneth?

Are you a cow? Because we would love to acquire another speaking cow. If you’re a speaking cow, please stomp your hoof three times and we will be right there. But be forwarned, if you’re lying about being a speaking cow, we will be forced to cut off your lips just like all the others.

Other than that, the criteria for abducting someone or something differs greatly depending on the individual mission, experiment or information we are attempting to gather, we do implement the (word not translatable but sounds something like a cardboard box being crushed in a steel underwater chamber) scale as a starting point. The details of which are classified.

Why do you inquire? Are you afraid of being abducted, or are you volunteering? If you wish to volunteer, please fill out an alien abduction request form. We will review your request and scan your proximity for possible inclusion in future abduction programs. If we find you meet our immediate needs we will contact you.

Our superior intelligence is genetically inherent. Our DNA makeup has been carefully sequenced, mapped and enhanced over billions of years of evolution. Therefore we have no need for school.

Earthlings, on the other hand, aren’t so lucky and need all the schooling they can get their hands on (Monica Lewinski given her own TV show is proof enough). Our advice; stand tall, stay in school, learn everything you can and ignore anyone who says anything negative to you (ignorance breeds negativity).

Ah, Australia! One of our favorite stops! Always a great opportunity to catch up with old Alien Lab Experiment alumni like the kangaroo, the duck-billed platypus and The Wiggles.

We’d be delighted to stop by. There are a few more experiments we’d like to conduct. Specifically, we wanted to see what happens if you eat in an Outback Steak House that’s actually in Australia. We have a theory that it causes the time-space continuum to collapse in on itself, which could either be a fun-filled day for the whole family, or the end of material existence as we know it. Either way, be sure to mark your calendar!

Are you really my brother?

Mom said we have to stay separated. I’m telling!

Mom! Brian’s in my part of the galaxy again!

Good question. A lot of our Australian fans ask us why their local crop circles look slightly different from the ones they see in America and the UK.

Well, it’s just like your toilets. In the Northern Hemisphere, they flush counterclockwise, and down under they go the other way. Same thing with crop circles — they go the opposite way at opposite poles.

This has nothing to do, however, with why you drive on the wrong side of the road. That’s peculiar to the British Commonwealth, and it happens in both hemispheres. It is also the reason why, when we abduct you, we don’t let you drive.

What’s going on in Australia? Is there something in the water?

Oh yeah, of course there is. We put it there.

Gravitationally? It depends on the size of the human.

Unfortunately, Steve, the seismic activity we’ve planned for Georgia can no longer be postponed. As for your other request, we’d be happy to oblige. But first, you’ll have to come out of there.

Ba-dum-ching! Thank you, you’ve been a great audience! I’ll be at Laff Galaxy all week!