ask the alien 31-45

*Sigh.*

Mars. I’m from friggin’ Mars, OK?

And you people want us to share technology with you? You probably wouldn’t even read the instructions!

Good question, Richard. I don’t know.

Not all aliens hang out with one another, and we’re certainly not required to report to each other when we show up on Earth.

Speaking for myself and a few of the other “races” I’ve encountered here, we visit for reasons as varied as tasty seafood, large lottery jackpots, scientific inquiry, and to monitor eBay auctions.

Most of us don’t reveal ourselves because it tends to get in the way of our access to the very things we came to Earth for. Your paparazzi are a terrible nuisance, for one thing. And those of us who do choose to reveal ourselves — I mean, I’m sitting right here, aren’t I? — are often overwhelmed with requests to name our “home planets.” So you can see why we often decide it’s best to keep a low profile.

Pick you up? You mean like on a date? Sorry, but my mother ship won’t allow me to date until I’m 350 years old.

If you’re referring to us abducting you, here are five words to think about. A watched pot doesn’t boil.

Have you seen my picture? Seriously.

Listen, don’t worry about male pattern baldness. You should consider it an evolutionary advantage, as hair scrambles telepathic signals.

Yes. it is true. Only we had been doing her homework for her since grade seven. On the day is question, we were unable to provide her with the completed assignment because our alien dog ate it.

How’s that school project going, Mackay? What kind of grade do you think you’ll get on it? I guess it will all depend on whether or not your teacher actually READS your work, don’t you think?

I’ve explained the “home planet” situation before. Read it.

Admittedly, it’s possible that I made up my answer, just like you’re making up that you’re from Antarctica. Apparently, my answer is only to be believed if I say I’m from some place like “Planet X-K-295.”

This is another reason why aliens don’t often reveal themselves to humans. They won’t accept a straight answer. I have friends who never bothered to learn any English beyond “We come in peace,” or”Take me to your leader,” or “Do you want fries with that?” It’s all the humans want to hear anyway, they say, so why bother?

Sure. We take human life forms all the time. Haven’t you been reading the site? We take ’em, probe ’em, and return ’em for the deposit!

Between you and me, I think you may be on to something here. I think your husband is a human life form, too. Not that I would advertise that. As for your kids, I suppose what they are depends partly on what life form you are. Do they display any obvious physical clues such as tails, more than one stomach, a woolly coat or reptilian skin? These are not by themselves guarantees that you’re not a human too, and there are a number of prescription medications available here on Earth that can help, but it’s a place to start.

I guess we might also justifiably ask, what kind of guy is your husband? Was he an exceptionally lonely man before you met? Does he have any background in livestock management?

Guest star? That wasn’t a documentary?

Can you make me?

Keep in mind, I perform anal probes for a living.

People would probably say, “Didn’t anyone tell the Canadians that they can launch their rockets from right in their own neighborhood?”

Other than that, I think it’s safe to say that the rocket would probably go… up.

What really happened was that he made a fortune on the book and the movie. I don’t know if he ever kicked any of that back, but I like to work a percentage of these things out in advance. Science is one thing, but I like to make abductions a profitable enterprise. Think about it. Do you think administering anal probes is really any more attractive a proposition from the other side of the bargain?

I’m looking for that cap too, Gene.

Hey, by the way,
Q: What does an alien call an abducted human who is having their DNA extracted?
A: Gene.

Bahahaha! Just a little alien humor there, Gene. No offense.

Anyway, nothing says you’re on the wrong planet better than the fine products available for purchase in the Mothership’s gift shop, right here on Alien-Technology.com. They’ve got the perfect gift for the ET-phile in your life, whether it’s a friend, a co-worker, mom, dad, or even mom/dad as the case may be. And I’m not saying this just because I work here. I’m saying it because they pay me.

So why not get on the alien’s good side by stopping by the gift shop today? Let me put it this way: you (and your anus) will be glad you did.

Am I really all green? Not everywhere, Russel. Not everywhere.

But your question is a good one, in that it points out a basic reality: “aliens,” that is, races not from this planet, have the entire rest of the universe to hail from. There are a lot of us, and we’re different.

As for me, I appear to humans to vary in shade from gray to green. This is because the human mind is apparently incapable of comprehending my actual color. Perhaps you’ve heard about those Japanese cartoons that give viewers seizures? The actual color of my skin, if properly perceived, causes an itchy rash and a curious fascination with the music Michael Bolton. So really, it’s no wonder that most people just prefer to fool themselves into seeing green.

Julia, your letter started out so promisingly!

What is my planet like? Well, the only thing I can say to that is that on “my planet,” we knew our history, as opposed to the people here, who are apparently doomed to repeat it. And repeat it. And repeat it.

New policy, people. If you ask me a question I’ve already answered, you have to buy a T-shirt. Maybe we’ll design a new one that says, “I got a once-in-a-lifetime chance to communicate directly with an alien, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.”

As for your planet, I’m sorry, I have never heard of it. It is possible, however, that we may have a different name for it. I mean, you don’t even want to KNOW the name we have for Earth! Ha ha! Hoo-wee! Ahhhh, yeah. I get all giggly just thinking about it.

Anyway, give me some coordinates for Ziro and I’ll look it up.

Not anymore. Thanks for the tip!