ask the alien 76-90

For abductions, or t-shirts? Abductions are generally performed by independent contractors on an individual basis, although mass abductions can be arranged by appointment, with 1/3 of costs to be paid in advance.

T-shirt orders are a different matter. We’ll certainly take the order and the cash, anyway. What happens then is up to our Operations Director. We’ll see what we can work out. If you want to get a head start on things, you can start sending money immediately, and we’ll catch up to you down the road.

Take it easy, Angel. Nobody wants to abduct an agitated human.

Why is it so strange that I don’t give scientific answers to your questions? You think all aliens are scientists? We don’t have alien plumbers, comedians or telepath-marketers? Hey man, I just bought a ticket on this ship — I don’t fly it.

I’ve tried to give you the best answers possible, considering your limited capacity for understanding the fine points of who we are and how we got here. But you’ve got to realize that there’s more to alien life than what you’ve seen in the movies. Believe it or not, one single individual alien is not necessarily the best and most comprehensive representative for the infinite variety of life forms found throughout the universe. To tell the truth, there might not even be a very large number of members of my own “race” who would consent to have me represent them here on Earth.

Anyway, I don’t have a LifeCycle(TM). I keep a BowFlex(TM) on the ship, but that’s about it. I hope this answer is satisfactory. Because I would never want to take you for a dame, fool.

It is apparently some kind of a mystical force, possibly beyond your comprehension. In fact, many humans find that they can’t avoid it even if they want to. They describe it as “automatic.”

Still, like most religions, it can’t tell you exactly what to do at all times. You have to begin with basic and recognizable building blocks of language. From there, it can make suggestions for you to follow, but as you’ve amply demonstrated, humans still retain their free will. Perhaps just a bit too much, if you ask me.

No. I like Life, but I usually have Raisin Bran.

That might not be funny in Nigeria. I don’t know. Food jokes are always a little iffy in Africa.

I’m what you would consider to be a “boy” alien. Being an alien is, in a lot of ways, like being 12. There’s a lot I already know about your world, but still a lot to find out, usually the hard way.

I don’t have what you would traditionally recognize as a name, however. It’s more like being bar coded. It’s an individual identifier, but nobody uses my code when they talk to me. Comments from my alien colleagues are simply routed to me through my code, and my code is all the reference anyone ever needs. Beings without the ability to read and process my code, however, often call me “Karl.”

As for my age, among my “race,” it is impolite to ask a “boy” alien his age. “Girl” aliens, however, are happy to tell you. I’m told that’s strange to most humans, but your oddball culture is just part of what makes you humans so strange and fascinating to us.

There seems to be a lot of interest in this subject today. And curiously, all from people with an “x” in their name. Hmm. You learn something new about Earth culture every day. Note to self: An “x” in the name may signal gender confusion among humans.

How curious that you should have asked me if I’ve ever been burnt on the same day as all these questions about gender confusion.

As a matter of fact, I have been burnt in the past.

There’s a funny story about the first time I had to pick a human for probing…

Hmm. No “x,” in your name. That’s a problem for my earlier theory. Unless “Conkle” is not your real name, and I sincerely hope it isn’t.

Anyway, I myself only have one sex. Among my “race,” however, there are two generally recognized and officially sanctioned “sexes.” Then, there are the “conkles.”

I’m sorry, but you must understand that this is all in the interest of science.

Hmm. I think you can get that one if you eat some peyote and climb into a sensory deprivation tank, but I’m not sure.
I’ll check it out. What color was that inner tube?

Interesting.

Anybody seen Corby’s?

Didn’t think so.

What’s going on with the gonads questions today? What am I supposed to say now, when other aliens ask me if there’s intelligent life on Earth?

Also, what are you doing looking at alien genitals under a microscope? Take a picture, it’ll last longer.

The answer depends largely on how much more time your fellow Americans are going to waste with their microscopes.

Mine or yours? Once I controlled a friend’s dream. We were in summer camp, and while he was sleeping, I put his hand in a bowl of warm water. It seemed to work pretty well.

Go ask your mother.

A fair question, Josh. Especially since I was so curious earlier about the human fascination with alien genitalia.
There’s nothing special about your butts, actually. Well, most of them. Some are truly spectacular, of course, but in the end (no pun intended) they’re just an easy way in to check out your insides. It’s either cut you open, or go in an existing hole, and that’s one of the larger and more pliant ones. Sorry.

Personally, I try to get out of most anal probings. It’s really not in my job description. But it’s always an excellent threat to level against troublemaking humans.