Welcome to Ask the Alien™. questions and answers 76-90.
Your burning questions about aliens, UFO’s, extraterrestrial beings, area 51, alien abduction, crop circles, science, religion, global warming, etc., are answered by our local alien representative. It’s the best extraterrestrial advice in the Universe!
T-shirt orders are a different matter. We’ll certainly take the order and the cash, anyway. What happens then is up to our Operations Director. We’ll see what we can work out. If you want to get a head start on things, you can start sending money immediately, and we’ll catch up to you down the road.
Why is it so strange that I don’t give scientific answers to your questions? You think all aliens are scientists? We don’t have alien plumbers, comedians or telepath-marketers? Hey man, I just bought a ticket on this ship — I don’t fly it.
I’ve tried to give you the best answers possible, considering your limited capacity for understanding the fine points of who we are and how we got here. But you’ve got to realize that there’s more to alien life than what you’ve seen in the movies. Believe it or not, one single individual alien is not necessarily the best and most comprehensive representative for the infinite variety of life forms found throughout the universe. To tell the truth, there might not even be a very large number of members of my own “race” who would consent to have me represent them here on Earth.
Anyway, I don’t have a LifeCycle(TM). I keep a BowFlex(TM) on the ship, but that’s about it. I hope this answer is satisfactory. Because I would never want to take you for a dame, fool.
Still, like most religions, it can’t tell you exactly what to do at all times. You have to begin with basic and recognizable building blocks of language. From there, it can make suggestions for you to follow, but as you’ve amply demonstrated, humans still retain their free will. Perhaps just a bit too much, if you ask me.
That might not be funny in Nigeria. I don’t know. Food jokes are always a little iffy in Africa.
I don’t have what you would traditionally recognize as a name, however. It’s more like being bar coded. It’s an individual identifier, but nobody uses my code when they talk to me. Comments from my alien colleagues are simply routed to me through my code, and my code is all the reference anyone ever needs. Beings without the ability to read and process my code, however, often call me “Karl.”
As for my age, among my “race,” it is impolite to ask a “boy” alien his age. “Girl” aliens, however, are happy to tell you. I’m told that’s strange to most humans, but your oddball culture is just part of what makes you humans so strange and fascinating to us.
As a matter of fact, I have been burnt in the past.
There’s a funny story about the first time I had to pick a human for probing…
Edward Stanton Conkle Asks:
Anyway, I myself only have one sex. Among my “race,” however, there are two generally recognized and officially sanctioned “sexes.” Then, there are the “conkles.”
I’m sorry, but you must understand that this is all in the interest of science.
I’ll check it out. What color was that inner tube?
Anybody seen Corby’s?
Didn’t think so.
Also, what are you doing looking at alien genitals under a microscope? Take a picture, it’ll last longer.
Silent Josh Asks:
There’s nothing special about your butts, actually. Well, most of them. Some are truly spectacular, of course, but in the end (no pun intended) they’re just an easy way in to check out your insides. It’s either cut you open, or go in an existing hole, and that’s one of the larger and more pliant ones. Sorry.
Personally, I try to get out of most anal probings. It’s really not in my job description. But it’s always an excellent threat to level against troublemaking humans.