ask the alien 46-60

Welcome to Ask the Alien™. questions and answers 46-60.

Your burning questions about aliens, UFO’s, extraterrestrial beings, area 51, alien abduction, crop circles, science, religion, global warming, etc., are answered by our local alien representative. It’s the best extraterrestrial advice in the Universe!

Ricky Asks:

Do u bugar horse?
Interesting question, Ricky. Now I have one for you.

Are you, by any chance, wearing a horse costume right now? That would explain a lot.

Lisa Asks:

Are Atlantians really aliens? Because if they are, that would explain a LOT.
You mean people from Atlanta? I agree. It at least explains CNN. I always thought the name “Wolf Blitzer” sounded a little suspicious.

Frankly, they all look a little bit like the kind of “people” whose faces would peel off if you tugged a little bit. I think you’re on to something.

Fariz Asks:

When PlanetX will pass?
I don’t know, but if PlanetX asks you to pull its finger, don’t do it!

Sandi Asks:

Why haven’t i seen you yet?
Because I saw you first! Hi-yo!

OK, I’m sorry. I’m kind of a shy guy. I hide behind my sense of humor. Well, that, and the fact that I spend most of my time cloaked from view in an invisible spacecraft orbiting several thousand miles above the surface of your planet.

A good way to get over that feeling of not having seen me is to buy a t-shirt emblazoned with my likeness. That way it’s like I’m always with you. I can’t emphasize the importance of this strongly enough. I don’t want to say the fate of the world depends on it, but my satellite TV subscription surely does.

Brentley Asks:

How many alien sightings have there been?
Too many. We stopped counting. There are billions of you guys. We can’t keep track of how often we see you, nor do we care how often we see you — with the possible exception of the human you call “Cameron Diaz.”

Of course, you might be talking about human sightings of aliens, and not the other way around. The only thing I can say to that is that we don’t keep the stats on that. You do. And while it’s a big event for a human to see an alien, and those who do often tell anyone who’ll listen all about it, for some reason they almost never report the incident to us.

Angel Asks:

Is it true that two different alien races are working together against the human race, because they believe humans are inferior and deserve to be treated badly?
No, but the last part reminds me a little bit of life with my ex.

Seriously, I do know of several alien races that consider the human race to be inferior. Not slime mold inferior, though. More like stupid-looking-but-lovable-lap-dog-whose-owner-dresses-it-up-in-a-sweater inferior.

I don’t necessarily agree, although I really do get a kick out of those funny paintings of humans playing poker. You’re so cute!.

Peter Asks:

What do you consider an intelligent human being?
Ooh, I love riddles!

So, I don’t know. What?

Captn Black Asks:

Why is it that you only abduct the stupid people? Why not take Bill Gates or someone who might be able to comprehend what your showing them?
Good question. The answer, at least for me and my colleagues, is that the people we abduct are targets of opportunity. That’s quasi-military language for “stupid people.” Smart people don’t make themselves targets nearly as often.

Also relevant: we’re not showing them anything. Even stupid people have internal organs, and that’s mostly what we’re interested in. Is there something we’d learn from an anal probe of Bill Gates that we wouldn’t get from someone else? What are you hiding up there?

joe Asks:

On Fox news about three or four weeks ago I understood a story they reported as this: Number one is that the space station caught a glimpse and even a photo of an UFO. Number two is that the same UFO was also seen in the same location as the Columbia right before it crashed. Can you verify this story? Have you heard the same information? I saw this reported on FOX cable news but it only ran once and that was it no more info, I have searched the web and cannot find anything on it and I have search Fox news and cant find anything. Thank you for your help.
Joe, even those of us who actually ARE Space Cadets don’t really believe what we see on Fox News.

That said, it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that the Space Station has a photo of a UFO. Personally, I’m sick and tired of the paparazzi, and I wish they’d leave me alone. I have no objection to answering these questions, or to allowing my likeness to be used on the fabulous t-shirts and gift products — perfect for any occasion, by the way — available at unbeatable prices here But my kids ride in that spacecraft, and I don’t want to expose them to the seamy side of intergalactic celebrity.

Anyway, thanks for your patience, everyone. I’ve been away on vacation for a few weeks at the beautiful Groom Lake Resort & Spa. It was fantastic. I had a detoxifying seaweed wrap that was out of this world — and I mean that. I’ve had seaweed wraps on other worlds, and this one tops them all. Look for their new web site, coming soon. If you have adequate security clearance, that is.

Spike Asks:

You know, the web isn’t only picked up here on Earth, it’s also monitored on other planets. Being an Alien, you should know that. Shame Shame…anywhoo…my question for you is this: Do you believe that one day, the human race will finally expand into space? I mean, we have the technology to create colonies on the moon or on orbiting satillites. Why don’t we use it? Oh, an if Japan keeps showing all this cool space craft technology in its anime cartoons…why dont we take the hint and try designing it? I mean COME ON!!! Well, i dont want to piss and moan anymore…i’m all flusstered. (ok, Spike…relax…breathe…inhale…good..) Well, those are my questions… p.s.: Why is it that this site has almost all the flags in the world…except Scotland. Thats where i really am…the closet thing i could find was United Kingdom…bastards…
Gee, Spike… where do you think I do my web surfing? Anywho… I believe that with the advent of the Supersized serving of french fries, the human race will one day expand beyond this galaxy, let alone the Earth. I’m sure that with a little tinkering, though, the humans can successfully colonize space for residential purposes. It would be a terrible shock, not to mention a real waste if you did not, considering that there are already several hundred Starbucks franchises out here.

I don’t know if Japanese anime is really a good source for inspiration, however. All their renderings seem to take into account an uncomfortable-looking and almost certainly unhealthy enlargement of the eyeballs, which indicates to me that their designs aren’t airtight.

As for the flags, I certainly don’t want to offend anyone. On the other hand, it has been our policy to try not to interfere in the internal political wranglings of the people of Earth. Our current research indicates that as touchy a point as it is, Scotland actually is still a part of the UK. Best of luck with that whole situation, though. We thought you were really on to something when you were painting yourselves blue, but I guess it didn’t pan out.

Billy Bob Asks:

Yeah, I was jus’ wundrin… When r u goin to be returning my good ol’ buddy Bobby Sue? They’s owes me a new payr of long jons’. …cause I’ll tell u wat…It’s mightee chilli in those thar hills. When ever I’s goes hunting for koons and sqerruls…Shoot Dang it’s cold. P.S.: Give Bobby Sue a hwoot and a hawller for me will ya?
I’m sorry, but I don’t actually have Bobby Sue with me. I looked into it, however, and it seems she’s actually staying with Clem on the other side of the “holler.” She says she’ll give you back the long johns when you start paying for “vittles for your young ‘uns.” After all, she wants to remind you, they’re more than just your kids. They’re your cousins.

Angel Asks:

Is it true that some of you aliens take people not just to do tests, but to create a hybrid of alien and human?
I take ’em just for testing. But sometimes I find that once humans get a couple drinks in them, they’re all about hybrids.

Spike Asks:

Hey, when are you going to be answering my question…it’s been a few days now. Just thought I’d ask. Not trying to be impatient or anything. Bye

Shalini Asks:

Of course I’m here. I assume the second sentence was meant to be declarative and not interrogatory, but just in case, I guess the answer would be, “Yes. You would like to see me very much.”

You can find me right here at, where you’ll find my picture on a full range of quality crafted gift items, outerwear and accessories at attractive prices.

Seriously. Let’s show the love, people. I’m not answering these questions for my health, you know.

Angel Asks:

Personally, what do you think of the human race?
Personally, I think it’s the best reality show on the air today.