ask the alien 151-165

Welcome to Ask the Alien™. questions and answers 136-150.

Your burning questions about aliens, UFO’s, extraterrestrial beings, area 51, alien abduction, crop circles, science, religion, global warming, etc., are answered by our local alien representative. It’s the best extraterrestrial advice in the Universe!

Gary Asks:

The heaven that exist, is it out there ?
Well, the one that exists is out there, sure. I don’t know if it’s the one you’re thinking of, but it’s there, I guess.

I don’t know if I understand the question, though. You tell me it exists, and then you ask if it’s out there. Do you mean is it “out there,” like is it wild and crazy? That I don’t know. I suppose if we ever start seeing “Souls Gone Wild” videotapes for sale on late night TV, we’ll know the answer.

Gary Asks:

Ba-dum-ching! Are you saying that we don’t understand the real issues coming towards us ? Is there a heaven ? A place where the creator lives ? A world thats does no wrong ? A world perfect for everyone ? Do you kknow of such a world ?
I’m not at all reluctant to say that you don’t understand the real issues coming toward you. That’s always a safe bet.

There are probably several heavens. If I could create the universe, I probably wouldn’t stop at just one paradise. Nor would I choose just one in which to live. I’d have to have a vacation home.

There may be a perfect world for everyone, but I’ll bet that most people don’t know when they’re in it. The grass, as they say, is always greener in someone else’s afterlife.

DarkCrystal Asks:

Why do you hide your excistense? Does the whole universe, live in this fear and covert way?
I am hiding from telemarketers.

From what I understand, people with Caller ID don’t live this way.

Anouta Asks:

The arc is in flux between the hydrometer and the ion collector. What am I? – If you are alien, you will know this.
You are … off your meds.

Art Asks:

Is there a planet coming into our solar system with aliens that are headed for earth?

It’s not “your” solar system.

Zimung Asks:

Hello, brother. I am thankful that I have contacted you. I have been visiting Earth for many months now, and I would like to ask you, what planet are you contacting these Earthlings from?
Hello. I thought I smelled you.

I like to contact my Earthlings from Earth. It’s free for me and cheap for them.

Dana Asks:

Greetings to Carl, Like you, I am an outer-space being. I have been on the Earth for several months now, and I have adopted the Earth name Dana. I need your advice in the following situation: I have the earthly appearance of a teenager, with curly brown hair and glasses. I have also taught myself to do modern dance, as a cover. Do you feel that my cover is secure enough? What can I do it make it more secure? Regards, Dana
Well, I think you’ll agree that your cover is just a wee bit less secure than it was before you announced it on the Internet.

Still, there are things you can do to make it more secure. Have you considered camouflage? One of my favorite techniques is to employ reverse psychology. I suggest purchasing a full wardrobe of alien-technology t-shirts and wearing them constantly. Nobody ever believes the ones who say they’re aliens. So that’s my first recommendation.

The second would be to drop the modern dance. Everybody knows humans don’t move like that if they can help it.

Jonny Asks:

do aliens get erections?
Sure. We get all kinds of jokes.

Osama Asks:

are you tall?
Are you alive?
What kind of question is that? Do you want to borrow a pair of pants or something?

Drew Asks:

do ever have to probe ur self
We have an old saying that goes, “An alien who probes himself has a fool for an abductee.”

Another old saying, by the way, is, “Drew is not really from Afghanistan. He’s full of it.”

Jack Hoff Asks:

Why do you abduct people and not me?
We don’t need to abduct everyone we meet, you know. Besides, we learned all we needed to know about your type when we abducted your friends Ben Dover and Phil McCracken.

Eli Asks:

Do Aliens get horny? Have sex?
Yes. No, thanks.

Alienlover Asks:

do you have a program of mutation
No program. Our mutations are random.

Ha! Just a little genetics humor, there.

Carl Asks:

hi bro how are you doing! havnt heard from you in…1000 years! yea! lets go to the moon today heard the chinease are planning a major launch bouht some abducting?a cod or two then we can go to the indian ocean and eat all the fish in the sea! FREE BUFFET!!!!!!!
Hi! I’m glad to see you’re as excited as I am about the Chinese space program! It’s murder trying to get delivery out here!

Mullet Asks:

Me a bunch of friends have abducted an alien! What should we do with it? It’s getting a bit messy around here It’s quite rude sometimes.
If you love something, let it go. Actually, that’s pretty good advice regarding your mullet, too.