ask the alien 271-285

Welcome to Ask the Alien™. Questions and answers 271-285.

Your burning questions about aliens, UFO’s, extraterrestrial beings, area 51, alien abduction, crop circles, science, religion, global warming, etc., are answered by our local alien representative. It’s the best extraterrestrial advice in the Universe!

mr peppers Asks:

you know,i have a secret to tell you,can you keep a secret,i have this really bad rash right on my *thingy* and its turning brown-ish purple,is that good or bad?
No, I can’t keep a secret, thanks for asking. Hey ladies, check out his rash. Plus, he calls it his “thingy.”

Eminem Asks:

can i have a dollar.please
Here you go. Don’t spend it all on one planet.

Cute Karen Asks:

the fires of hell will consum you all in a pit of fury and burn you all,mwahahahahahahaha.
Hmm, no question in there as far as I can tell. I have one though: what makes you “cute” Karen? I’d hate to hear what the ugly one in the family has to say.

Gary Asks:

Who is in control of planet (earth) and if you can get a message to that person for me. I would like to know when we are going to get a new life style down here, because the one we have is not working so well…
As far as I can tell, there’s nobody in charge down here at all. That may be part of your lifestyle problem, actually. It’s getting so that “take me to your leader” isn’t worth a damn anymore.

Amina mohamed mohamed fathy mohamed Asks:

what is your name?,how old are you?,where do you come from?,what do you want from us?,when are you happy?
I’ve addressed a number of these before, but I’ll run them down for you: Carl; depends how long the planet I’m on takes to revolve around its sun; I move around a lot; seafood, and; when I have seafood.

Art Asks:

We exist on Earth when we’re here. That’s for sure. We sometimes disguise ourselves as human, but I don’t know any aliens that bear a striking resemblance – although one guy I know kind of looks like a sort of grayish-green Karl Rove. As for living with humans, it’s something we tolerate, since you were here first.

Zchekonedsa Asks:

To an alien from an alien, what do you think these humans are going to think when they realize the truth? They want real answers and not some zlatkinal kind of answer. I have to admit you have a great sense of humor, but when are you going to start answering their questions with the truth. They are going to eventually find out one day. You might as well tell them now. The sooner you tell them the truth, the faster these questions will stop. Antoher question I have for you is how can we activate the 100% of our brain that we use in the years of our alien form to the years in our human form. After I incarnated into this human body, it has been really hard for me to use all of my brain again. Do you have any suggestions?
Realize the truth? You’re an awfully optimistic guy, Zchekonedsa. Generous, too. Although that may have something to do with that problem you’re having activating your brain. My suggestion for maximizing your cognitive power: stop trying to talk me out of this gig. It’s occupying valuable resources. And from the looks of things, far, far too much.

Cory Asks:

being you aliens are so advanced,are your drugs advanced too like do you have super pot or super crack,if so can i get some*twitch*
We’re so advanced, our linguine with clam sauce would get you high. I’m not going to enable you in your habit, though. We all know where serious drug abuse leads: directly to a career in conservative talk radio.

Mavado Asks:

my country, russia, is in serious dept to other countrys. i was wondering if u would like to hae some diplomatic meetings and if you could tell me how to start a better economy, P.S. long live the red army
An interesting suggestion. Funny thing, though, I notice that every time humans get together do discuss economic development for debtor nations, they attract a large crowd of vegans wearing funny woolen hats, and often masks over their faces, presumably to hide their halitosis. So frankly, it’s not something I’m likely to want to get involved with. I don’t need that kind of trouble. And if you’ve ever had to probe somebody who eats a lot of hummus, you’ll know why I say this.

Heavenly Asks:

Carl, I enjoyed your responses to the questions very much. You are extremely clever. I am disappointed in the education level of most of the individuals asking you questions. If this is an example of the youth our future is dependant on, we are in trouble. Obviously your civilization did not advance in technology by raising your youth like this. Did your civilization have to go through stages of this and if so, how many times did it take to over come them? How old is your civilization?
Thank you very much. I try to be understanding of most of the questions I get here. I was never a particularly good student, myself, and that’s actually how I wound up in this job. Comparatively speaking, though, the minds of our youth do tend to wander less, which probably has a less to do with the demands we make on them culturally than with the fact that we’re telepaths. Our adolescents are raging hormone farms as well, but I imagine that if Earth kids knew their parents could hear their thoughts, they’d be a little more focused, too.

As to the “age” of our civilization, an intelligent person like you must know that time is but one of many dimensions, and when we describe something as ancient as our culture, we find time an insufficient medium.

We measure our civilization by its width. It is four and a half feet wide.
I don’t expect you to understand that yet, but there it is.

Dragon_07 Asks:

are there any aliens in the country of cyprus
Occasionally, as part of a tour package.

Chantelle Asks:

are aliens really alive and in the u.s.a.?
If you call watching American television against your will and only breaking up your routine with the occasional abduction and anal probing being “alive,” then sure. It’s a non-stop party.

Lisa Asks:

do you know how to catch or atracet an alien to earth to be able to see it ?
Soft lighting and Barry White works well. Also, genuine Tuscan cuisine, if you’re up to it, is always very impressive.

Chaz Asks:

how do you create crop cirles?
I actually bought a Ronco product from an infomercial that works wonders.

Brad Asks:

What Do you look like
If your next question is, “What are you wearing?” I’m going to hang up.