ask the alien faq

I don’t have what you would traditionally recognize as a name, however. It’s more like being bar coded. It’s an individual identifier, but nobody uses my code when they talk to me. Comments from my alien colleagues are simply routed to me through my code, and my code is all the reference anyone ever needs. Beings without the ability to read and process my code, however, often call me “Karl.”

The answer to this question is more complex than most of your species are prepared to accept. The only way to express our existence in terms you will understand is to say that we are nomadic. We move around a lot, and are not “from” any one planet or another in any strict sense, kind of like your planet’s American “Army brats.”

Our species, or at least some part of it, does have a planet of origin, dating from eons ago. But we don’t often bring it up, because it’s kind of hard to believe, even though it’s purely coincidental. The fact is, however, that by amazing and rather embarrassing coincidence, the planet’s name was “Kotex.”

I’ve heard all the jokes, and I’m sick of them. So anyone who laughs gets an anal probe. Don’t test me.

Good question. A lot of our Australian fans ask us why their local crop circles look slightly different from the ones they see in America and the UK.

Well, it’s just like your toilets. In the Northern Hemisphere, they flush counterclockwise, and down under they go the other way. Same thing with crop circles — they go the opposite way at opposite poles.

This has nothing to do, however, with why you drive on the wrong side of the road. That’s peculiar to the British Commonwealth, and it happens in both hemispheres. It is also the reason why, when we abduct you, we don’t let you drive.

To keep them quiet. As everyone knows, cows are notorious gossipers — they couldn’t keep a secret if the wanted to.

The answer to this question is more complex than most of your species are prepared to accept. The only way to express our existence in terms you will understand is to say that we are nomadic. We move around a lot, and are not “from” any one planet or another in any strict sense, kind of like your planet’s American “Army brats.”

Our species, or at least some part of it, does have a planet of origin, dating from eons ago. But we don’t often bring it up, because it’s kind of hard to believe, even though it’s purely coincidental. The fact is, however, that by amazing and rather embarrassing coincidence, the planet’s name was “Kotex.”

I’ve heard all the jokes, and I’m sick of them. So anyone who laughs gets an anal probe. Don’t test me.

The seafood, Ravinesh. The seafood.

Also, Earth is a very welcoming planet, believe it or not. For instance, they have never once considered banishing you, even though you pester me so and hardly let anyone else get in a word edgewise. Seriously. I don’t HAVE to keep coming back here, you know.

Am I really all green? Not everywhere, Russel. Not everywhere.

But your question is a good one, in that it points out a basic reality: “aliens,” that is, races not from this planet, have the entire rest of the universe to hail from. There are a lot of us, and we’re different.

As for me, I appear to humans to vary in shade from gray to green. This is because the human mind is apparently incapable of comprehending my actual color. Perhaps you’ve heard about those Japanese cartoons that give viewers seizures? The actual color of my skin, if properly perceived, causes an itchy rash and a curious fascination with the music Michael Bolton. So really, it’s no wonder that most people just prefer to fool themselves into seeing green.

Because I saw you first! Hi-yo!

OK, I’m sorry. I’m kind of a shy guy. I hide behind my sense of humor. Well, that, and the fact that I spend most of my time cloaked from view in an invisible spacecraft orbiting several thousand miles above the surface of your planet.

A good way to get over that feeling of not having seen me is to buy a t-shirt emblazoned with my likeness. That way it’s like I’m always with you. I can’t emphasize the importance of this strongly enough. I don’t want to say the fate of the world depends on it, but my satellite TV subscription surely does.

Ooh, I love riddles!

So, I don’t know. What?

Personally, I think it’s the best reality show on the air today.

I’m what you would consider to be a “boy” alien. Being an alien is, in a lot of ways, like being 12. There’s a lot I already know about your world, but still a lot to find out, usually the hard way.

A fair question, Josh. Especially since I was so curious earlier about the human fascination with alien genitalia.

There’s nothing special about your butts, actually. Well, most of them. Some are truly spectacular, of course, but in the end (no pun intended) they’re just an easy way in to check out your insides. It’s either cut you open, or go in an existing hole, and that’s one of the larger and more pliant ones. Sorry.

Personally, I try to get out of most anal probings. It’s really not in my job description. But it’s always an excellent threat to level against troublemaking humans.

Be careful, Martin!
There are forces at work and places in the universe where simply asking a question like that can change the outcome of the answer.

Alien existence, like human existence, is a tenuous prospect. Indeed one might ask: what does it mean “to exist,” after all? Must there be objective proof in order for something to exist? Or can just the very thought of a thing be enough to establish its existence?

With that in mind, has anyone here ever heard of Martin Eagle?

Yes. Its lack of knowledge. But that’s not necessarily limited to the topic of aliens.