ask the alien 121-135

Joel, loved you in “Risky Business,” man. Great work.

My brains are made of a carbon-based compound, not dissimilar in appearance to your Gruyère cheese.

I myself have never been interested in controlling a human mind, or for that matter, a body. It’d be like ruining the end of your favorite reality series on TV. I suppose it would be possible, but I’m not sure why I’d want to do it. Why drive a KIA when you’ve got a Ferrari, right?

I’m sorry. That’s rather unfair to the good people at KIA.

I apologize for comparing you to the human mind. That was cruel. You make a quality product, no doubt. nd your cars certainly have a larger capacity, anyway.

When you have parts like we do, you don’t wanna keep ’em private

How would anybody know if you really appreciated it, or whether we were just making it look like you did?

I’m living everywhere I go. How about you?

I always come from the last galaxy I leave.

I don’t even have a guess at what your second question was supposed to be. You know, the Internet and email have made it so easy to communicate almost instantaneously, it’s amazing you people think you have to take still more shortcuts.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s a faster-than-light thing, and you just wouldn’t understand.

That doesn’t sound like research. Research is when you go out there and find the answer yourself.

This is just cheating.

I myself have never built an Egyptian pyramid, and frankly, I don’t know why any alien would. We can navigate your planet perfectly well without giant stone markers, thank you very much. And if this is some kind of a ploy to get me to pay overdue property taxes on them, you can forget about it. My lawyer is out of this world.

Waha! Ba-dum, ching!

Haven’t I answered this question before? It’s like deja vu all over again.

Anyway, you need to stop and think about what it means to be “the girl” for a guy who can’t get get over himself, and is such a “aick,” whatever that means. I don’t see why he should get over himself if you can’t get over him, either.
Also Annie, long distance relationships rarely work out. Perhaps you should consider moving out of Algeria, or alternatively, dating a camel.

Have you ever had an ant farm? It’s kind of like that, but with explosions.

The DNA of my “race” was originally a double helix, not unlike that of DNA found here on Earth, in humans and other living matter. However, it was long ago altered to include a third helix, on which we support banner advertising.

Buy a T-Shirt! They make terrific holiday gifts, and there are only 59 shopping days left ’til Christmas!

Sorry about that. It’s in my DNA.

For the most part, your questions aren’t that challenging. I tend to answer them while attending to my various excretory functions.

Time, by the way, is a relative thing. I have as much as I need. Enough, even, to actually type out the word “your,” as opposed to the obviously much faster “ur.”

By the way, I notice that you’ve taken care to save yourself two precious keystrokes with your alternative spelling. What possessed you to give them back, with interest, by including an additional eight question marks?

o. I prefer surprise endings.

We’re all part alien by now. Eventually, something that originated from outside of your original planet will integrate its way into your body. The trick is guessing which part.

If you are over the age of 18, and can provide proof, you can send us some photos for clinical evaluation. We’d be happy to help.

I don’t know. That’s an interesting question. I’ve never considered the reverse before.
Dressing up might work for some aliens. You might be able to lure me with a seafood buffet.

As to your other question, I doubt that any alien would take offense at anything you choose to do with your inflatable toys. We’re pretty open-minded.

The real question is, what isn’t up? At first, it was just medical instruments. We were trying to see what was up there. Then it became a game to see what wouldn’t fit. Videocassettes, leftover Chinese food, futons, whatever. You humans are, shall we say, very accommodating.

Gee, good question. It probably has something to do with the whole confinement thing. On the whole, if something is available both inside and outside of a prison, most humans and aliens alike will opt for the one on the outside, don’t you think?

Rusty, do you prefer anything over anal probing? This is getting to be a habit with you. Isn’t there a local hotline you can call, or something? Is that sort of counseling covered by that health plan you have up there?