ask the alien 211-225

Welcome to Ask the Alien™. Questions and answers 211-225.

Your burning questions about aliens, UFO’s, extraterrestrial beings, area 51, alien abduction, crop circles, science, religion, global warming, etc., are answered by our local alien representative. It’s the best extraterrestrial advice in the Universe!

Jon Asks:

how come every time i have a nightmare of being abducted my ass always hurts the next morning… seriosly
Hmm. Maybe you’re sleeping on your arm wrong. I mean, like, WAY wrong. I mean, like, illegal in certain states wrong.

Jessica Asks:

Are the earth people nice to the aliens? Did they come to earth at all?
I consider most earth people to be nice, sure. As for your second question, I don’t know where earth people originally came from, but they sure seem to have come here now.

hollywood_gurl Asks:

why did u chase my mom u son of a bitch becouse of u i’ll never see her again?
I don’t typically have to chase my specimens. You might be thinking of your dad.

Max Asks:

Do you come in peace? Do you want to destroy the earth?
I do, and thanks, but no thanks.

Goraung Asks:

are you gay
Are you hitting on me?

lega Asks:

why do so many people ask you questions about your genitls. i want to know where you come from and what it is like
I assume it’s because people are preoccupied with sex, and their minds are in the gutter, which is a contagious condition. In fact, now that I look at your second question, I’m not entirely sure you don’t have the same problem.

Morgan Asks:

how smat are you and why don’t you come out of your spacecrafts during the day?
How smart am I? Smart enough not to confuse aliens with vampires, I guess.

Billy Bob Asks:

What language does Guyana speak?
Guyana itself hasn’t said a thing in all the time I’ve been here.

Christina Asks:

what kind of rights do legal aliens have?
Legal ones, I assume.

Amanda Asks:

Is our sun really going to implode and suck in our whole solar system?
I have news for you. Your sun already sucks, in your solar system or anyone else’s.

Vicki Asks:

What would a human say when an alien asks “who are you”?
The first thing they usually say to me is, “Are you a cop? Because you know, you have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

Neila Asks:

This is a serious subject, it is real. Do you truly believe. I’m an investigator and have seen things you would have trouble believing
I agree. This is a serious subject. That’s why I’m here.

The good news is, you’ll never lack for work. You investigate things I would have trouble believing, except for the fact that I actually DO those things that you investigate.

Wait. Are you a cop? Because you know, you have to tell me if you’re a cop.

Are you e-mailing me on an unsecure connection? I don’t know you! Prank caller! Prank caller!

Eric Asks:

If you travel from your house at a to the park at b in 0.5h. what was your velocity
Are you asking me to help you with your homework? I guess the answer depends on which train I departed on going westbound at 10:15.

Anyway, I’m not going to any park that takes me half an hour to get there. I only get an hour for lunch, and I’m not spending the whole thing on travel.

Bob Asks:

Do you always have to probe in the anus? Could’nt you find a different spot, like the mouth or ear or something? Because I find the anus to be a very unpleasant place to probe, and leaves you’re anus bleeding most of the time.
There are certainly exams that could be and are better performed by probing elsewhere. Believe me, we’re not probing any anuses we don’t have to.But it sounds like your bigger problem is that you’re letting amateurs do the probing. This is science, Bob, not “Backyard Wrestling.” No pun intended.

Ken Asks:

do aliens like anal probing?
Why does everybody think this is an amusing question? You people market 400 different kinds of paper made just for stuffing up your heinies, but it’s always like, “Ooh, look! There’s an alien! Let’s ask him about our butts!”