ask the alien 16-30

Whoops. I think I must’ve slipped a little during the laser memory-erasure procedure on this one.
My bad.

As a consolation prize, please enjoy this nice, white jacket. It’s a little snug in the shoulders, but it suits you. And come to think of it, it might have looked pretty good on Elvis, too.

Our civilization may seem strange or even outrageous to you. We rarely bathe and are notorious kleptomaniacs—ergo the abductions. We do, however, know when to pass the microphone and stop monopolizing the press conference. NEXT!

The answer to this question is more complex than most of your species are prepared to accept. The only way to express our existence in terms you will understand is to say that we are nomadic. We move around a lot, and are not “from” any one planet or another in any strict sense, kind of like your planet’s American “Army brats.”

Our species, or at least some part of it, does have a planet of origin, dating from eons ago. But we don’t often bring it up, because it’s kind of hard to believe, even though it’s purely coincidental. The fact is, however, that by amazing and rather embarrassing coincidence, the planet’s name was “Kotex.”

I’ve heard all the jokes, and I’m sick of them. So anyone who laughs gets an anal probe. Don’t test me.

Nothing happened. We think he is mistakenly looking to his left.

Actually, there are many theories as to what may have happened to your grandpa’s feet, but none of them involve us aliens. The most popular theory is that the right foot was taken by the Soviets, while his left was taken by the Nazis. We don’t know for sure exactly how or why it was done, but we do know this: it happened very, very quickly. Only French pilots have managed to lose their feet faster, and in many cases, it turned out that they had themselves collaborated in their theft.

Eons ago, our species had this ability, but we actually evolved away from it as we developed our capacity for interstellar travel.

Seems our early pilots kept falling through the bottom of their crafts.

At any rate, we believe all species inherently have this ability. You, too, can walk through solid objects if you try hard enough.

I’m not exactly sure, but my last check dated April 14, 1972 bounced like a rubber ball. Here’s a little advice — don’t play golf for money with guys from NASA.

Just like a human. Always with your hand out.

Giving away advanced technology isn’t like getting a lollipop at the barber shop, Chloe. Well, that’s not exactly true. I have no hair. So it’s fair to say that humans get technology from us about as often as I get those lollipops.

1. We abduct people in search of intelligent life, Based on these questions, I think we may have found our answer and stop.

2. See above.

We all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine…

1. Yes, although it depends on how you define “mind.”

2. I don’t have a “home planet,” strictly speaking, but I’m happy to breathe whatever’s available.

3. Although you humans don’t exactly have what I consider to be a “mind,” I believe that right now you’re thinking, “How does he know I’m not really from Antarctica?”

This isn’t Ari Fleischer is it? This is what you’re leaving the White House for?

Anyway, what you feed them will depend, naturally, on what kind of aliens you’re taking care of. It’s entirely possible, however, that some of your aliens may eat you before you get a chance to go shopping anyway.

Adam, I’ve addressed this issue before. I don’t have a single “home planet” as most humans would define the term. But I don’t want to leave anyone out of the discussion if at all possible. I like to encourage communication and interaction between aliens and humans, as well as between humans interested in aliens.

I’m therefore recommending that Ari feed you to his orphan aliens. Thanks for participating!

The seafood, Ravinesh. The seafood.

Also, Earth is a very welcoming planet, believe it or not. For instance, they have never once considered banishing you, even though you pester me so and hardly let anyone else get in a word edgewise. Seriously. I don’t HAVE to keep coming back here, you know.

The short answer, Bart, is that you can request any government document as soon as it’s produced. They don’t have to give it to you, but in America, you’re always free to request it.

Is that enough “itelect” for you?

Is this like asking someone “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?”

That must be what you’re asking, because I KNOW you’re not asking me the same question that I’ve been asked and have answered two or three times already.

If I could be any kind of tree, I would be a tree that nobody ever asks about its home planet.