ask the alien 196-210

Yes. Its lack of knowledge. But that’s not necessarily limited to the topic of aliens.

Are you over the age of 18, and do you live in a community in which such a picture would not violate standards of indecency? Because if you do, and you have a valid credit card, I’d be happy to.

Interesting question, Angel. Most alien races of our size do in fact have arched feet. They’re just better at bearing weight. Even on planets with weaker gravitational fields, it pays to have sturdy podiatric construction.

I, however, actually have pretty flat feet, as do most of my alien colleagues. Those of us with fallen arches are excluded from the military, and instead get sent on these scientific missions. It’s kind of embarrassing, but probably not as bad a way out as, say, having to live in Canada.

Yes, of course. Humans can’t see with our eyes at all. They’re ours.

No, but I do sometimes talk to the specimens.

Are you asking me out on a date, Angel? That’s so old fashioned and sweet!

I do actually like ice cream, but have you seen the size of our heads? Think about that the next time you get a “brain freeze!”

My favorite flavor is pistachio, because even if it drips on me, you often can’t tell.

Well, I have been fascinated by the so-called “essential vitamins and minerals” found in such Earthly concoctions as your “Fruity Pebbles.” If those are minerals, then yes, they’re pretty unique.

You’d have to ask them, I suppose. Everything vibrates, to a greater or lesser extent, because all atoms are constantly in motion.

I suspect, however, that the large body that you hear giving off a low, vibrating sound might be your mother, urging you to “get a job.” I mean, that’s a lot of questions, Angel. A lot. You know what I’m saying?

Stevie, would you like us to send someone to help you with your typing? We’re already on site doing your wardrobe, so it wouldn’t be much of an imposition, really.

Let us know.

Assimulation? No, we use real asses.

This may be one of those intractable human problems that is just beyond your ability to repair. As bad as British television is, it’s spreading all over the world, not unlike a virus. So you’re not alone in that deficiency.

Still, when you show darts on television and nudity in your newspapers, you might just be uniquely unclear on the concept.

We do form emotional attachments not dissimilar to what you think of as love. It’s a slightly deeper connection, thanks to our powers of telepathic communication, but it also tends to be more rationally based than human love. It would never, for instance, make for a believable basis for such teen romps as “Ten Things I Hate About You,” or “Summer Catch.”

I have no single planet, per se. I’ve been through this before, and I get tired of it. I mean, don’t you ever get tired of people asking you why you’re not wearing a kilt?

Anyway, you don’t actually have the means to reach any of the planets that I’ve spent any considerable part of my past on. For all practical purposes as regards humans and their limited life spans, the directions to my “home” are: go up, and keep going until you die.

I don’t know why, but in my opinion, the Bermuda triangle sucks no matter what kind of vehicle you’re in.

I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. Something tells me you’re probably next to be “voted off the island,” if you know what I mean.