ask the alien 226-240

It’s not so much that I’m offended, it’s that I’m on a mission of discovery, and so far about all I’ve discovered is that 9 out of 10 humans are fascinated by their own rectums. Myself, I could care less. But if you know a shorter way into your lower digestive tract, I’d like to hear it.

As for your second question, if there’s a part of me inside, I do hope for your sake that you are into that sort of thing. Especially if the anesthesia wears off before I get a chance to get safely out again.

I don’t think anyone has made such a movie yet, possibly because we don’t have anything like external genitalia to display in exchange for plastic beads or lite beer.

But if it turns out that there is such a film on the market, the best way to get your hands on one would be to take them out of your pants.

Henry, you sound like a guy who has recently discovered anal probing. We’ve kind of been there and done that on that topic.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been paying too much for your alien pornography, although frankly I think you should be happy to get what you get at twice the price.

It was never my intention to come to Earth to be Henry’s pimp, though — wait… was it? No, no, that’s right, scientific research and intergalactic diplomacy and outreach, that was it — so I’m not really interested in getting involved in cut-rate porn for your sake. Maybe you can get together with Ken and go halvsies on some Aliens Gone Wild tapes, if they ever come out. By which I mean Ken’s hands, of course.

Am I willing to receive both penalties?

Yikes!

That’s the last time I “press one for bondage and discipline,” that’s for sure! Damn phone sex lines.

Mine? Of course.

If the kind of sex you want is infrequent and carries with it none-too-subtle accusations that its just a manifestation of your own misogyny, then by all means, yes! And have I got a girl for you!

I think you’re making some assumptions about our manufacturing base that aren’t warranted. “Branding” appears to be something mostly confined to Earth, as far as I can tell. I can tell you, however, that the space craft we’re currently using is the model with the “Comfort Cruiser Cabins,” and the upgraded upholstery is definitely worth the investment.

Our craft is capable of travel many times the speed of light, although after going through spaceport security, baggage screening, and the usual delays, it ends up not being much faster than most terrestrial modes of travel.

I don’t travel in a war vehicle, and I’m not particularly familiar with their handling, but I would guess that they’d present a fairly serious challenge for your Air Force, unless the plan was to have your Academy cadets rape our pilots, in which case you’d clearly have the upper hand.
Oh, as for accessing the Internet, I’m currently at a Starbucks.

Sure, no appointment necessary. In fact, we’ll work with your schedule.

We just probe you whenever you can fit us in!

Hi-yo!

Are you sure that’s what you went in for? I heard he accidentally enlarged your elbow, but you couldn’t tell the difference. Also, why did it take a surgical procedure for you to notice you had nipples?

With observation. Was that a real question?

I don’t think this kind of behavior is indicative of your parents being aliens. British people do a lot of strange things, starting with driving on the wrong side of the road and shunning orthodontia. The important thing is that you’re having fun, and you are getting something to eat.

I collect all kinds of heads. Why? Is there something interesting in yours?

Let’s take this one question at a time. Where did you last see this alien you’re looking for?

I wouldn’t say it’s “love,” per se. And I believe the more accurate way to portray the horrible, politically incorrect stereotype you’re hinting at would be, “Me rikey chop-sticks.”

I waited because I wanted to see if it was possible to move you off of your anal fixation. Now I know it’s possible, but that you just segue directly into a urinary fixation instead.