ask the alien 226-240

Welcome to Ask the Alien™. Questions and answers 226-240.

Your burning questions about aliens, UFO’s, extraterrestrial beings, area 51, alien abduction, crop circles, science, religion, global warming, etc., are answered by our local alien representative. It’s the best extraterrestrial advice in the Universe!

Ken a.k.a Rusty Asks:

why are you offended by the anal probing comment? Is there a part of you inside that hopes I’m into that sort of thing?
It’s not so much that I’m offended, it’s that I’m on a mission of discovery, and so far about all I’ve discovered is that 9 out of 10 humans are fascinated by their own rectums. Myself, I could care less. But if you know a shorter way into your lower digestive tract, I’d like to hear it.

As for your second question, if there’s a part of me inside, I do hope for your sake that you are into that sort of thing. Especially if the anesthesia wears off before I get a chance to get safely out again.

Ken a.k.a Rusty Asks:

are there alien movies like an aliens gone wild? If so how can i get my hands on one.
I don’t think anyone has made such a movie yet, possibly because we don’t have anything like external genitalia to display in exchange for plastic beads or lite beer.

But if it turns out that there is such a film on the market, the best way to get your hands on one would be to take them out of your pants.

Henry Asks:

I have recently discovered anal probing. I am tired of paying high prices for alien smut movies. Is it possible for you to beam me down some for a low cost??? Thanx
Henry, you sound like a guy who has recently discovered anal probing. We’ve kind of been there and done that on that topic.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been paying too much for your alien pornography, although frankly I think you should be happy to get what you get at twice the price.

It was never my intention to come to Earth to be Henry’s pimp, though — wait… was it? No, no, that’s right, scientific research and intergalactic diplomacy and outreach, that was it — so I’m not really interested in getting involved in cut-rate porn for your sake. Maybe you can get together with Ken and go halvsies on some Aliens Gone Wild tapes, if they ever come out. By which I mean Ken’s hands, of course.

Lou Asks:

the next alien that anally probes me without my concent, is going to have a rude awakening when I shove Berry “Broomstisk” Hayden up their’s. It will be filmed and shown on Ebay, proving to the world that aliens do indeed exist. Are you willing to recieve both of the above penalties?
Am I willing to receive both penalties?


That’s the last time I “press one for bondage and discipline,” that’s for sure! Damn phone sex lines.

Meeya Asks:

are voices in your head from aliens?
Mine? Of course.

tommybeckwith Asks:

will i ever have the kind of sex i want with an alien female.
If the kind of sex you want is infrequent and carries with it none-too-subtle accusations that its just a manifestation of your own misogyny, then by all means, yes! And have I got a girl for you!

Alien Philosopher Asks:

What model and series of space craft do you use? How fast does it travel and would the United States air force be able to withstand an invasion if it is forced to go head to head with your war vehicles? What kind of devastation could your war vehicles bring to Earth? Oh, and one last thing, how are you accessing our internet data base?
I think you’re making some assumptions about our manufacturing base that aren’t warranted. “Branding” appears to be something mostly confined to Earth, as far as I can tell. I can tell you, however, that the space craft we’re currently using is the model with the “Comfort Cruiser Cabins,” and the upgraded upholstery is definitely worth the investment.

Our craft is capable of travel many times the speed of light, although after going through spaceport security, baggage screening, and the usual delays, it ends up not being much faster than most terrestrial modes of travel.

I don’t travel in a war vehicle, and I’m not particularly familiar with their handling, but I would guess that they’d present a fairly serious challenge for your Air Force, unless the plan was to have your Academy cadets rape our pilots, in which case you’d clearly have the upper hand.
Oh, as for accessing the Internet, I’m currently at a Starbucks.


I missed my appointment for my anal probing in Roswell, ay. I was wondering if, ay, I could rescheldule, ay?
Sure, no appointment necessary. In fact, we’ll work with your schedule.

We just probe you whenever you can fit us in!


obb Inge Bubba Asks:

Is my doctor an alien? I went in for butt enlargement surgery and after a couple of weeks I noticed that he gave me breast implants. P.S. The nipples are fun!!
Are you sure that’s what you went in for? I heard he accidentally enlarged your elbow, but you couldn’t tell the difference. Also, why did it take a surgical procedure for you to notice you had nipples?

Rusty Asks:

how can you prove aliens are real
With observation. Was that a real question?

Bird the III Asks:

Are my parents aliens? Instead of having Tea Time at my house, we have Fun Probe Time, I do have fun but that is beside the point, and we run around with alumminum foil hats chanting Du Hast and eating eggplants.
I don’t think this kind of behavior is indicative of your parents being aliens. British people do a lot of strange things, starting with driving on the wrong side of the road and shunning orthodontia. The important thing is that you’re having fun, and you are getting something to eat.

Ralph Asks:

Why do you have large air filled jello-like heads? Yucky!!!!!
I collect all kinds of heads. Why? Is there something interesting in yours?

59er Asks:

Iam looking for a male alien no older than 2700 years who enjoys taking walks. You must be short, the right tinge of green, and have slanted Asian like eyes. I am a 59 year old male with drooping skin all over and a taste for the exotic. Box 3944
Let’s take this one question at a time. Where did you last see this alien you’re looking for?

Stiffy Lee-Woo-Sanchez Asks:

Do you Love me long time? Me likey chop-sticks.
I wouldn’t say it’s “love,” per se. And I believe the more accurate way to portray the horrible, politically incorrect stereotype you’re hinting at would be, “Me rikey chop-sticks.”

Ken a.k.a. Rusty Asks:

Why haven’t you homies answered my questions, ay? I’m getting pissy! So hurry and answer my anal probing questions, I’m very interested in that stuff, ay! If you don’t you’ll get the probbing from Leo or berry, ay! Maybe lynette if you really piss us off!
I waited because I wanted to see if it was possible to move you off of your anal fixation. Now I know it’s possible, but that you just segue directly into a urinary fixation instead.