Welcome to Ask the Alien™. questions and answers 91-105.
Your burning questions about aliens, UFO’s, extraterrestrial beings, area 51, alien abduction, crop circles, science, religion, global warming, etc., are answered by our local alien representative. It’s the best extraterrestrial advice in the Universe!
Silent Josh Asks:
So, you never did answer my question, why must you always give anal probes? What is with the cold meatal bojects up the buttt?
Take it easy, Josh. What crawled up your ass? Ha! Just kidding.
Seriously, though, did something crawl up your ass? What are you’re hiding up there? I mean, sometimes it takes a few days to get around to answering all the rectally-related mail I get, but it’s only been a few days in this case. You’re making me suspicious.
Also, most of the probings I’ve observed are rather carefully and sensitively conducted. Only the real jerks get the cold metal. Besides which, I’ve checked my records, and I don’t see anything about having abducted you. If you got something uncomfortable up the butt, but still insist you don’t know what it was or how it got there, you may want to speak with a therapist. You may just be in denial.
Twoodrow Asks:
I’m trying to build a spaceship but I am unable to navigate black holes, would help me?
I’ll do what I can. Send me your blueprints and I’ll take a look.
The best thing I can tell you about navigating anywhere, not just near black holes, is to try to avoid leaving on Friday afternoons, especially during the summer.
Silent Josh Asks:
Look, im sure you are busy with taking farmers in there sleep, but please answer my question, its just one. come on, only one little question, why do you aliens give
anal probes, whats with the butt fettish?
Oh my God, Josh! Who’s got the butt fetish now? You don’t try this on the ladies, do you? Or maybe you don’t try anything at all with the ladies, and that’s your point.
This is starting to get creepy. And I actually have conducted a considerable number of anal probes. So that should tell you something.
Put it this way, it’s been a long day, and I just don’t want to talk “shop” anymore, OK?
Dino Asks:
how do i know if am an alien?
I know a guy with a microscope who can help you.
And trust me, he really, really, really wants to help you.
Martin Asks:
Do aliens exist?
Be careful, Martin!
There are forces at work and places in the universe where simply asking a question like that can change the outcome of the answer.
Alien existence, like human existence, is a tenuous prospect. Indeed one might ask: what does it mean “to exist,” after all? Must there be objective proof in order for something to exist? Or can just the very thought of a thing be enough to establish its existence?
With that in mind, has anyone here ever heard of Martin Eagle?
Angel Asks:
I am sorry about laying it hard on you before. When you are raised with a scientist as a father one can’t help act that way and ask too much from people/beings. I just wanted to meet someone who can match my intellectual mind. I was hoping it would be you because of your superiority to me. Anyway… What do you do with a troublemaking human that you have abducted?
We implant a chip in his brain that causes him to constantly believe he is without intellectual equal. It’s hilarious!
Angel Asks:
Ha-ha… very funny, is that what you really do? But really. What if the person you abducted starts scratching, biting, kicking and screaming to get away from you. What do you do then?
Good question. Every abduction I’ve ever worked on has involved the temporary paralysis of the subject, so I don’t even know if there’s a contingency plan for this.
I can tell you this much, I’m strongly considering scratching, biting, kicking and screaming to get away from you.
T Baby Asks:
wut is your name?
My name, in your language, means “One who is consistently disappointed in his expectation that humans will read the previously answered questions before posing the same one again.”
As I’ve said before, though, people call me “Karl.”
Kaela Asks:
are you guys really green?
Is this what summer re-run season is like for humans? The same old thing, over and over? Kermit was right. It’s not easy being green. Or at lest, what many of you seem to think of as green.
See the Frequently Asked Questions page.
Kelsey Asks:
Why do you come to earth?
Again, I enjoy the seafood.
I mean, you’re nice people and all, but this is really just business travel for me.
Donna Asks:
will i have fun tonight?
Hmm. Let me consult some of my alien technology:
“Signs point to yes.”
Hey, what do you know? You’re in luck. You know my technology must be advanced, because how else could it predict there’s fun to be had in Canada?
Mark Asks:
I am just inquiring as to whether Alien Tchnologies sponsors any tournament bass fisherman. I fish tournaments in both Florida and Wisconsin. If so please contact me. Thank you. Mark
That’s something we’ve never actually thought about, Mark. But it’s an interesting proposition. We have a lot in common, when you think about it. We both believe in “catch and release.”
One question, though. Are you using some kind of specialty tools to probe those bass anuses? They’re mighty small.
Loser Asks:
Did the Star Wars universe really exist? If so how did things turn out, and does that make George Lucas an alien?
The Star Wars universe is actually this universe. There’s only one. But I don’t really remember how things turned out. It was a long, long time ago.
George Lucas is only part alien. I AM HIS FATHER, LOSER.
Cheryl Asks:
why is there such a huge disparity in the distribution of resources and wealth between the first and third world?
I don’t know. Maybe because the second world took most of the third world’s stuff and then disappeared. I mean, seriously, has anybody seen the second world lately?
Non-disclosed Asks:
are you intelligent?
Not intelligent enough to figure out why this is a question worth asking an alien who you’ve already witnessed answer dozens of questions.
What, are you looking for a sperm donor or something?
